We were brought up to believe that the perfect love story begins when she drops the parcel, he picks it up, their eyes meet, they fall in love and live happily ever after. The latest movies are still getting away with this fallacy but can you trust those feelings?
Many men really believe in instant chemistry. “If there is no spark at first it will never work” they say. He admits it doesn’t always work out but thinks he must feel something in the first 3 minutes. That might be so for him but what about for women?
Chemistry is such a fickle emotion. If you think he’s gorgeous but he doesn’t ring you when he says he will or can’t remember what you told him yesterday, the chemistry soon fades.
Men see, women feel. To a man it’s what he sees that is important. To a woman it’s how he makes her feel.
Entre Nous Introduction Agency Case History: Winsome/Norman 1999/2000 (fictitious names)
Winsome liked the high-flyers - the exciting men. When I introduced her to Norman, she said, “Nice, next please”. However Norman was keen. He was a quiet worker and believes he can achieve almost anything – slow and steady. He invited Winsome out about once a fortnight for four and half months. By this time it was Christmas time and Winsome was beginning to wonder who she could invite home at Christmas. Who would put up with an irascible uncle, boring cousins, overly fussy Mum? She decided that Norman was the safest bet and she was right.
Norman, who understood about family dynamics, was not imposing and fitted in nicely. Not long after Norman asked Winsome would she see him exclusively. She rang me in a tizz. I said, “You don’t have to marry him, just get to know him better”. When Winsome learned more about Norman she decided that she couldn’t afford to lose him and soon fell in love with him. They both had to deal with step children, not always easy yet they coped and have a very good relationship with each others’ children.
This case history is not an isolated one. About 75% of all women who form long-term relationships through Entre Nous did not feel instant chemistry with their partner.
At Entre Nous we encourage our members to meet for activities like tennis, cycling, visiting art galleries or sporting fixtures. Our advice is not to date until you have decided that this person is ideal for you. You certainly couldn’t decide that just because there was a spark at first.
We encourage our members to list their long-term needs - the core values that are the foundation of a relationship; look beyond the superficial wants. After all there is no such thing as a perfect person only a perfect relationship.
On the other hand many men believe there has to be a spark instantly otherwise it is not worth pursuing a relationship. How does a woman cope with his needs and yet ensure she forms a relationship with a person who provides her long-term needs? It is all about managing her life to ensure she achieves the very best for herself.
What is the answer to attracting a man? It seems to be to provide that instant spark? Men seem to fall into three categories, those who are attracted to a woman’s face, those who are attracted to her figure, those who want the whole package and those who see the spark in her eyes or her smile.
I hear some women who do not want to lose weight, get fit or look their best for a man say, “He should like me for what I am”. However that is playing God. You cannot demand how another should like or think.
If you have a good figure, show it off, wear clothes that accentuate your figure. If you are a big girl with a big bust, show it off to its best advantage.
If you are a big girl with a pretty face, entertain him to keep his attention on your face, encourage laughter and above all smile often – sparkle.
If you are not up to showing off your figure or putting extra effort into being absolutely charming, concentrate on your wardrobe, your fitness, your cooking or making him feel wonderful. These are all ‘dead certs’ for attracting a man. Work out what you can offer, what are your strengths and work on them.
Some men ask for a very fit woman; others want the type of woman who will fit in with the corporate scene, others fall in love with her cooking or just want to be nurtured by a warm, affectionate earth mother. Decide what you can offer and accentuate it. If you have more than one attribute as many of us do work on all your attributes. It’s so easy to be yourself.
However once you have attracted him, the work does not stop there. Try to attract many men, not just the right one, just in case your Mr Right is not obvious at first.
Managing the dating game seems to elude many women. They are the ones that tell me there are no decent men out there. They can attract men but he never treats her right so she blames the men she meets. I always ask: “Why would he treat you right if you let him get away with wrong?” What does that mean?
A woman works hard to attract a man and then thinks she needs to keep working hard to hold him by doing her best to please him, being agreeable and always available – the way her mother works hard at keeping her marriage together. Keeping a marriage together and the dating scene are totally different scenarios because one is about attracting and the other is about sustaining and they must not be confused. You cannot sustain a relationship that has not yet fully begun.
How a man falls in love is through yearning. If it is too easy for him he will never really fall in love with you. The man is the hunter, he likes a challenge. He needs to be kept on his toes. Once he feels a spark, then allow him to think he is managing the chase. Just because he likes you does not mean you allow him 3 hours on the first meeting – half an hour to an hour is enough for the first meeting. Manage the meetings, have a time schedule. Keep busy with other things. Let him do the calling. If he doesn’t call you again, you were mistaken there was no spark on his part. Work harder next time.
At Entre Nous Introduction Agency where we recommend meeting for a coffee for half to one hour for the first meeting, some men will say, “I haven’t eaten, have you?” She agrees to a meal, they talk for three or four hours. She thinks, ‘this was meant to be’ and is very surprised that she never hears from him again. Why should he contact her again? He knows all about her, he’s not left wondering or wanting to know more about her and she has filled in his evening. There is no more challenge he is busy looking for the next challenge.
When I asked her why did you let him turn it into a date on the first meeting she will say, “He wanted to have dinner”. This is the same girl, when I ask her why she talked about her ex for the entire meeting, replies: “He asked me.” That is where she went wrong.
She did not manage the dating situation. If she was so keen she should have: “kept him mean to keep him keen”. Rationed herself. Left him wanting more. It is easier to attract a man in short bursts and also you are keeping him wanting more. If the spark he felt wasn’t great, giving him a challenge will strengthen the spark and then wait until he tries your cooking . . . he will probably fall head over heels in love with you.
At Entre Nous Introduction Agency we discourage our clients from actual dating until they are quite sure he/she is Mr/Ms Right. Develop a friendship. Because it takes a while before you know how he makes you feel and whether he can provide your long-term needs, keep the friendship basis going until you are sure. This way there is nothing to end if he is not right and you have another friend. His best friend may be your Mr Right. You would never have met his best friend unless you had made friends.
Most importantly have you noticed how smart women always have a long-term partner? Their mother taught them how to ration themselves, keep him keen, not readily available. Some women who don’t have a partner say, “I don’t want to play games, that’s not my style.” My reply to this is that the mating game is at least 6000 years old, even animals have a strict routine when it comes to mating. You cannot change 6000 year old habits over night. Obviously it hasn’t worked for you so far, why not try managing things to your advantage? We want you to attract several men so that you develop several friendships. Only one will be right, but in the meantime you are learning about yourself and we are learning about you too which gives us the opportunity to finetune your needs.
In summary once you have attracted him, unless you provide a challenge you may just as easily lose him. He won’t fall in love with you if you make it too easy for him. It is up to you to manage the meetings, ration yourself and allow him to yearn.
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